Ron Manager

Series 2, Show 1

Transcribed by Jeremy Burton.
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Interviewer: Simon Day
Ron Manager: Paul Whitehouse
Tommy      : Mark Williams

INT:    Alan Shearer having a wonderful game, Ron.

RON:    Ho, you know, doesn't he always?  I mean, he's deadly isn't he?  Er...I
        mean deadly in a football sense, not a sort of murdering manner, you
        know.

INT:    He's certainly taken over Gary Lineker's mantle with aplomb.

RON:    (confused) Pardon...? Mantle with a what?

INT:    Aplomb.

RON:    Oh... ah... mantle with aplomb.  Yes, most definitely.  Sure as eggs is
        eggs,  mantle... with aplomb.

INT:    That's not to forget Gary Lineker, of course, who remains a legend in
        the modern game.

RON:    Oh, Gary Lineker, isn't it, you know, marvelous. You know, paragon of
        virtue, isn't it, you know.  Ah ha, unprecedented in the modern game -
        never been booked.  Wasn't he?  Ha, you know, excellent TV pundit;
        crisp thief? - ahahahaha!  Rarely wears a tie, but still remains a
        marvellous ambassador for the game, you know. Er, nice man, nice face,
        boyish charm with a hint of grey at the temples, but can you imagine
        that face contorted in the throes of sexual ecstasy?

INT:    I'm not sure I'd want to, Ron.

RON:    That's my point, er, mantle with aplomb.

INT:    Yes, er, an amusing incident in the first half, Ron, with that little
        dog running on the pitch.

Ron is staring off into space with an odd expression.

INT:    Ron!

RON:    Sorry,er, I was putting myself into the position of Gary Lineker's
        wife, looking up at that face. I can't seem to get it out of my mind.

INT:    Indeed, Ron.  Now, perhaps if Terry Venables was watching, he might
        think of signing up that dog for the England team?

Ron is miles away.

INT:    Ron!

RON:    Sorry, no - I'm stuck with this image of Gary Lineker humping.  I,
        er... do you think I should see someone?

INT:    You probably should, yes. Tommy, certainly, if not Terry Venables,
        then the Scottish manager should have a good look at that little dog
        to see where he could play.

TOMMY:  (staring off) Sorry, no, I've got Gary Lineker's cheeky grin there
        and... sweaty forehead, looming down on me.  Amazing thought, Ron.

INT:    (turning back to camera) Even I have to agree, it really is a
        powerful image.